Vietnam

(Warning: This post is as long as the country of Vietnam!)

We had a 3 week break from school and so my great friend Hilary and I decided to go to Vietnam. We would travel together for about ten days and then I was going to meet up with my dad and she was meeting her boyfriend. We were both excited for the adventure, for a different culture, some different polluted air. I had been on crutches for 3 weeks before so the first few days were difficult as I limped around, but can't let a little thing like walking properly stop me from having a new adventure...

October 3,

Hanoi, Vietnam.

As soon as we arrived we got an airport mini bus after trying to bargain the price, but we ended up paying $3 each. (In Vietnam you can pay with dollars or Vietnamese dong, 20,000dong is about $1) It doesn't sound like much but it was probably 3x what a Vietnamese would pay, but what you gonna do when you want to get somewhere? The drive was long and the sounds of the infamous cars, motorcycles and whatever-else-you-can honk horns began before we even left the airport. It was a mad rush driving on the freeway with rice fields on both sides of us. Such contrasts--the world is such a contrast now with international communication, the internet, the ease of traveling, nothing is as it was. You can say that it is good or bad, or perhaps just observe it and try to adapt, because it is always about adapting.

We drove past literally thousands of people on motorcycles with helmets that looked like baseball caps, and which are probably just as effective as helmets (but they look cool!)


The first day in Hanoi was exciting because it was a new city, a new culture, but not so unfamiliar, so foreign as when I arrived in Chiang Mai. I felt a bit more adapted to Asian culture: the motorcycles, the people, how I stuck out, the lack of being able to communicate in the language spoken, etc.
We were dropped at a cathedral and had to find the hostel where we wanted to stay. With Hilary as the navigator it wasn't that difficult. We wound through Asian streets that had a typical Asian feel that I had yet to feel in Chiang Mai. The streets were narrow and thin—like the Asians, yet colorful like many Asian traditions with lanterns, flowers and plants hanging onto their homes, their culture, to their traditions, also like the Asian people. It is a truly beautiful, and DISTINCT part of the world and I am finally starting to grasp it.
However, there is a strange obsession here with skin color. Asians do not want to be dark, they want to be white. It is a cultural belief, passed down from generation to generation, that if you are dark it means that you work in the country, which therefore means you are poor. Unlike typical Western culture, where being tan is considered beautiful because it means that you have money and therefore, the free time to go and lay out. I was bothered by the obsession with skin color, and then I realized I was judging everyone on their prejudice because it is what I hate in myself and what I think everyone judges me on. I remember last night in Hanoi when we went to eat at a restaurant and two men looked at me and I thought, they are laughing at me because of my color, both hair and skin, and that they MUST think it is strange and different. My hair, my hair that I had just cut the day prior—8 inches, my hair that has always made me unique or a freak. I am in that black and white definition that I tend to view the world in. I have realized it again after I talked to hilary about our inclination to think in that way, in bi-polarities. And then I thought about my mom, that she wasn't crazy, perhaps she had a perception that most of us just didn't understand. An understanding about the world that we don't understand. Perhaps that sensitivity is the next intelligence that we don't think that we can tap into as humans. Perhaps it has nothing to do with math or the ability to solve those issues, but to just understand a little bit more, your fellow human beings, which must stem from a deeper sensitivity about the other—in every sense of the other, but every sense!!! Not just the senses that we are aware of as human beings; my mother, with her mental issues, eating issues, people issues, she took her own life, she is gone, but she was wise, she knew, she saw different colors and she celebrated them--I miss her.

So we arrived in Hanoi at a backpackers hostel. I felt old! All these "kids" surrounding me but whatever, I am where I am i was just a bit out of my “space”, which is actually a really good thing to do every once in a while. We got a dorm room and trekked up to the 4th floor. Before I would have been happy to have the exercise but I just felt overwhelmed with my "limping", again, out of my space, it was humbling.
We went out to explore and find a tour for Halong bay. We decided that perhaps the Hostel Backpackers Version wasn't for us (it was described as three days of partying with a bit more partying for $200!--not for us).
First, we went to find a place to exchange money, our Thai baht for Vietnamese dong (let the jokes begin). It was mayhem out there in the streets, searching for "dong". My ankle was screaming at me, but I ignored it like a mother tired of her neverending crying baby. So I bought Hil and I two plums and bared it, until we randomly, and luckily, found the exchange place. Then we hired a bicycle tuktuk to take us to Culi Cafe which was also the home of Wide Eyed Tours, a potential tour company for Halong Bay. It was nice to sit in the tuktuk and see the scene of Hanoi and just watch. When we arrived, the driver wanted 50,000 dong, not the 40,000 that we had bargained for, he thought he was funny, I didn't see his humor and got a little annoyed, so he just gave me my change and drove off. Culi Cafe wasn't there but Sinh cafe was so we went in, the guy was nice, gave us honest information, so we booked the tour to Halong Bay (for $75, yes Amber the frugal is still here). Then we went to explore. We saw random people, both farang (foreigners) and locals sitting in front of kiosk-like places drinking beer. It was as if they were watching something, but what? Really they were just watching each other, we are all just watching each other. But it looked fun so we decided to join. Another farang gestured that we should come to where he was and we sat next to a couple of nice people and ordered two pints and started chattin' with Nick, an older Brit who had been teaching and living in Vietnam for two and a half years. And then "Superman", Milo, or (can't remember his name at the moment) and we chatted and waited for the right snack to present itself to us. "Superman" was French Canadian and was married to a Vietnamese woman. They had a one year old son named John. We talked of running and he wanted to run the half marathon in Bangkok on November 21. I offered him some advice, like the farleck, or what to eat as we, ironically, drank more beer. Then we met his wife and his son. Beautiful family, what a dream, I thought as I sat there with my draft beer for 25 cents.



After a couple of hours Hil and I were hungry so ventured down a street that they recommended and went to the busy place (we discovered that it is always wise to go the busy places) and ordered stir-fried spinach, a chicken clay pot with garlic and a tomato and cucumber plate, delicioso. Then we wandered back, through the walking street, the mayhem of the 100 year festival with lights and women cutting sugar cane and people wearing ribbons of the 1000 years around their heads, as the pain of my ankle reminding me of its presence.
I noticed how many children and families I saw about. Especially one with a father who was joking around with his children, beautifully, so beautifully, and the mother with the younger girl, ah the beauty of that simple family as I was staying in a youth hostel at age 35, out of sink, not in black or white, but I didn't feel good in gray either, and gray is definitely my color at times. Whatever. Whatever. Hil bought an ice cream, which everyone else was eating and throwing on the ground and we wandered back. That night I decided to take a shower and saw that my ankle was the size of a golf ball.






Halong Bay:
Our tour mates were: Andy and Amy from Scotland, Neta from Israel, Yeemon from China, Leo from China, Petri from Finland but living in China and three girls from Norway: Elizabeth, Inga, and can't remember the other one, so Inga 2. Our guide was Zon! Or somtething like that. Halong Bay is beautiful, comprised of 1000 islands, 960 have names.
We went to a cave on Halong bay which included statues of a laughing Buddha and Juanin, the female Buddha. While there, I had a nice conversation with two Australians who noticed that I had a hurt ankle and empathized. I told them that I hoped it was giving me some empathy for others who perhaps don't have the physical capabilities that I normally have. One of them talked about how she thought she could be another way and she tried laying out in the sun and she got heat stroke. Humility. I think about one of the Norweigan woman, Ingrid, who has a deformed hand, but she is this beautiful redhead and she is so positive! And she has a disability, and she just kindof says fuck it.

I was happy today when I was able to swim. I swam and dove and swam and it felt so good to be in the water, to swim, truly. I felt alive. Hil and I had a great conversation over beers about those insecurities that begin when we are in middle school and seem to be the ones that most affect us. Hilary asked me if I thought that I lived more in the past or the future?

Hmm, good question, but it doesn't really matter. What I would like to learn,is that I should find some patience, with myself, with the universe, with the one person that tests it more than anyone. Life is here. I am in it. And I don't know what is next, so I don' know why I can't just embrace this present moment, like Hil, like my buddha bree, like the wee children that I see every day on the streets, barefoot, dirty and fine with it, just fine, perhaps they aren't happy or unhappy, no black and whites, they just are, right, just are.

October 4

We woke up this morning at 5:30a.m. to watch the sunrise. We were so proud of our motivated selves until we got to the deck as Leo was descending saying that it had begun to rain. So we sat in the chairs and looked outside hoping to see something spectacular, always waiting for that inspiring moment. At about 6a.m. It stopped raining and we went up, but the sky was cloudy and the sun didn't want to come out and impress us. So we did some stretching, Hil did some yoga and then we went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I woke up at 7a.m. And decided to jump in the
water, it was invigorating, woke me from my warying sleep. Then we showered and ate our last breakfast on the boat: little tea cups, little pieces of watermelon cut in the shape of a fish, I think, very fried eggs and toast. We sat with the Scottish couple, Amy and Andy, and Andy told me that the French influence in Vietnam is because the French invaded Vietnam and had rule over the country (he used a term that I had never heard before) until 1954. The French-Asian fusion here is great, I love it. I love to see the fusion that you find around the world now, especially of such contrasts of western and eastern cultures We all went to the top for our last few minutes of sailing through Halong Bay. Halong means descending dragon and there is a longer tale attached to it that I don't remember. We said our goodbyes to some of our mates that were ending the tour, with pictures and Facebook exchanges and headed on to our next adventure. The Norweigan girls joined us as we got on a bus headed to CatBa Island and CatBa national park for a 2 hour hike to the top. Ingrid was kind enough to share an Oreo with us which pepped me up a bit. I found a makeshift walking stick and we began. Again, I felt the anxiety of my physical limitations. I, who would normally be at the front of the pack, leading the way, was behind and people were passing me. Before we started the guide told us about the hike and said that we may see snakes along the way so to be careful. Hil asked, “Are they poisonous?” and he promptly and quickly responded, “yes”. Haha, so we started and trudged along. When we got to the top there was a very rusty tower to climb for the view, it was breathtaking, wind in my body, clearing my soul a bit of the anxiety I was feeling and yeah, then I descended. It was difficult, I was frustrated, but yes, I did it. Everyone was patient and waited and the guide told me I won the award of the day. Yeah, whatever. We had a 30 minute bus ride to CatBa Island and the hotel, Sunflower Hotel. We are on the 10th floor, but it is nice, we ate a meal, my appetite was voracious, still feel like I could eat something and then Hil and I took a 2 hour nap. Oh yes, before we went to lunch I iced my ankle with two cold coke cans—I love to makeshift. It is a great word, a great quality. A makeshifter. I hope that I can continue to do this in my life.
Lunch with the Norwegians. They all talked about what they are studying. Ingrid is studying medicine and will go to Nepal for four months. She talked about mountains and medicine and I find myself wanting to go there more and more.
After that, we needed a break from the young Norwegians so we ventured to the beach. We had the infamous Vietnamese coffee, which is made in wee filters with condensed milk on the bottom. It is nice to watch the Vietnamese enjoy the water, it is a family environment for sure and there is definitely less modesty here than in Thailand. The children continue to warm my heart and my swollen soul, perhaps it will help my injury(s). Who knows what is next, who knows.

Hilary asked me that question again last night, if I am more in the past or in the future. I said the past because the future scares me though I do think about the fact that I am constantly thinking about what is next, at 5 or 6:30 this evening for instance when dinnertime is. Hmm, I don't know. I suppose that I want to be in the past and I want the future to just pass by quickly. I wonder if anyone here, on this beach, feels that way. What do all of these people think about?

I just read a lovely story in the Lonely Planet guidebook called "The Widow's Island", and how the locals found a buffalo wandering and ate its meat but didn't share any with her. Unbeknownst to them, the buffalo belonged to the river ghost. He disguised himself as a beggar and went to the island asking for food. Everyone ignored and rejected him except for the widow who gave him food and kindness. He told the woman to put shucks of rice around her house and that night he caused a great flood. Everyone was killed and everything was flooded except for where the woman lived, hence the name of the island.
To be kind to everyone, to show patience and humility. Yeah.



On our way back to Ha Long city and then Hanoi.

Observations:
-getting on the elevator today we went to a different floor which already seemed full but many Asians got in with us, they are used to using all space. I felt a real invasion of space today, but who the hell am I?

-I have started reading Conversations with God. Interesting book about thoughts and words and feelings. That words are the
excerpts:
“Every prayer—every thought, every statement, every feeling—is creative.”

“the thought behind the thought, that is your controlling thought.”

“doubt is your greatest enemy, which is fear.”

“In truth the only two emotions are FEAR and LOVE—only two words in the language of the soul.”

“the thought of either LOVE of FEAR. It is the raw energy that drives the engine of human experience.”

“Yet if you knew who you are—that you are the most magnificent, the most remarkable, the most splendid being God has ever created—you would never fear. For who could reject such wondrous magnificence? Not ever God could find fault in such a being.”


Words. Words. Sometimes I feel like it is all I have, all I've got. But perhaps that is the lie I tell myself. For I do control the words that I use, that I choose to put on paper, or on a Word document. Often, though, they still let me down. When the words I want don't come to me. I suppose I should have more gratitude for even being able to form them, manipulate them, play with them a bit, be creative. I can give myself that, I will give myself that.

October 6, 2010

We were wandering today, as you tend to do when you are traveling in a city, and we saw a Buddhist temple, Chinese influence, and decided to wander in. After we took off our shoes to enter the wee temple I felt compelled to sit and of all things, meditate. Just have a moment of silence, a moment of peace, a moment where I am not thinking about what is next or what isn't next. No next, just now. It was difficult to concentrate but it felt good, I felt calm, I wasn't afraid. I tried to focus on one thing which was difficult, but in the background, somewhere, I could hear a piano playing, and that is what I tried to focus on. I could hear the sound of a computer being turned on by the shaved head Buddhist monk, someone working on drilling something outside, of course the horns and movements of the motorbikes, and of course, all of the billions of crazy, tiny, stupid, and even important and quite menial thoughts in my head. My back started to hurt, I waited a couple more minutes, and then I said: god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Last night when we got back from Halong Bay we got a dorm room at the Hue Backpackers Hostel and ventured out for more exploration. After wandering for a while we stumbled upon Sorbetto where we had kahlua, baileys, coffee and whip cream and mini almond cookies over talking about everything and everything inbetween. After we wandered some more to the market and decided to get a beer at Legends Beer, but after we realized that the only beer available was a dark beer we left and went to the top floor and got Saigon beer. More observing, more wandering of the festival and all that is going on right now. We met two whom we thought were Vietnamese in the elevator who said that they were from Minnesota. Random. They told us to be careful with our wallets and then we journeyed off to find food and wandered into streets of people drinking a sweet juice probably alcohol concoction and eating seeds. They were everywhere, everywhere. We ended up eating a place called “Fast Food”, Then to sleep with a night filled with being woken up on numerous occasions by people coming and going and bizarre dreams that I can't even remember now. But it was an “organized chaos” of people, experiences and pains of my life.

Today we awoke, drank tea and ate a banana, and I got an email from Nico. Wise man for only 25. anyway, now we are at Segarfredo drinking earl gray tea, americanos and writing about all of this.



October 7, 2010

At the airport in Hanoi. On the spur of the moment last night we bought them. We went to happy hour at the hostel and after beer, three vodka sprites and free spring rolls and sausages later we decided to fly to Hoi An (our next destination) instead of take a bus. There had been a lot of flooding in Vietnam due to the rainy season and many buses were turning around. So, we splurged and bought plane tickets.


We arrived in Hoi An a few hours ago. After wandering to try and find the perfect hotel we finally decided to splurge and we are staying at 'Long Life'. The room is $22 a night and includes breakfast, there is a pool and internet. The room is very beautiful and Hil and I have our separate sanctuaries. We went to eat at a restaurant that offered us a “happy hour” discount of 30%. We got fresh veggie spring rolls, draft beer and I got shrimp and squid salad and Hilary got duck, the final bill was $6, crazy.

Hoi An is a small beach town in central Vietnam and it is also the textile capital of Vietnam, perhaps even Asia. People come from all over the world to specifically get things tailored. A friend of mine just went there and she had 37 pieces made! one beautifully tailored coat cost her $12. However, I wasn't really interested in getting anything made, Hil did. But we spent a lot of time wandering the streets and about every 23 seconds someone would try to sell us something, o.k., perhaps I should be more accurate and say every 13 seconds.

And then, in the other seconds it is all about bargaining, bargaining, bargaining. You are never given a price, price tags don't exist so it is just a part of making a purchase and it can be exhausting.


October 8, 2010 10-08-10, 8-10-10

So is a wedding anniversary still an anniversary if one of the spouses has died? We are still technically married,well, I guess the til death do us part ended it, I don't know. I suppose it doesn't really matter, but it does matter. It matters to me that I woke up on this day, 5 years after it became a special day now I am in Vietnam, traveling with my friend Hilary whom I met at Dara Academy where I teach English, where I went to because life in “my life” was unbearable.

October 8, 2005
As I tried to stick to tradition a wee bit I decided to stay at my families apartment that night. In the morning I woke to write my wedding vows. As I sat on the couch, early, before anyone else was awake I wrote them, where are they now, who knows. But they did seem more than words. They were written with the form of words so that everyone could understand but Fede didn't need those words.
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
I don't know what the shape makes, any of it. What shape this becomes or if it just remains an endless knot. Where is life leading me, where am I leading myself?
As I look back,slowly on all of the messages of that day. And then I think about last year, I odn't know I am at a loss for words at the moment.
Somewhere over the rainbow....you are somewhere, aren't you fede. What do you think, feel about my sadness? Way up high, and the dreams that you dream of once in a lullaby

It was a love story but perhaps, now, I need to have one with myself, with myself.

I just jumped in the pool, it felt great, invigorating. As I got out I saw bamboo lining the path and it brought me back to Fede and I's trip to Ecuador when we stayed in that bamboo hotel
then I went back up to the room and Hilary said happy day for a celebration. Just what is that word, just what to celebrate, I mean, it isn't the same day that it was in 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008



October 8, the afternoon

Spent the morning writing and then Hilary and I decided to wander around the streets of Hoi An. Markets, food, tailors, hotels and lots of farange
-Banana Split cafe and “white rose”
-Tam Tam and banana blossom salad
-Oil body massages, 1 hour, $5
We decided to turn down a random street and we ran into a temple. Anyways, we went in for some solace from the craziness of the street vendors in Hoi An. The temple was small, very humble, of course there were also street vendors in there but there was a beautiful shrine, typical of other temples, yet with two mountain pictures, one on each side. Seeing them compelled me to asked the woman if I could light some of the incense sticks. She told me yes and said that I had to light all five. So, the first one was for Fede, the second one, the middle one, was for love, the third one was for me, the fourth one was for passion and the fifth one was for the mountains. I felt peaceful, and kneeled down and waied to whatever. It doesn't even matter what, it really is , es lo que hay, truly truly.
I must now realize that I need to move on with life, through it. I feel so strongly about this book and about the foundation. If I could only feel so strongly about myself. I mean, we all just go on and forget things, moments, sounds. Why is that? The silhouette of the mountains, of Fede's legs. His voice I am so tired today.



My stomach was really hurting but I wanted to go out and “celebrate”:celebrate love, friendship, adventure, and the now. Things that Fede and I did together and I will and can continue to do independently. So I put on my orange shirt, my black skirt and some makeup and lipstick and we went to a wine bar and ordered two glasses of french wine and some bruschetta and toasted to “not being stuck”
-It all comes back to balance
-Onward
-then we walked, tipsy and happy and crossed the bridge to “For You” cafe. The only reason stopped was to look at the wine menu and we ended up staying and having Dalat wine for 25,000dong a glass (About $1) plus free peanuts and fresh spring rolls.
Then, after not noticing the time because my watch had broken, we ended up leaving at 11 and realizing that everything was closed. So we wandered and finally entered a bar to have one last appetizer and glass of wine. Earlier at the french wine place we talked about .the value of independence, which is something we have right now at this stage in our lives. I mentioned the fact that when I was with Fede I didn't write as much as I do now and I think it's because well, I was happy but also because I was focused on Spanish and other things. Anyways, I have re-discovered it and it feels good, in spite of it all, a pesar de todo, me siento bien.
We ended the evening with a round of B-52's (a typical Vietnamese drink) to celebrate the past and the present moments.


October 10

We took a flight from Hoi An to HoChiMinh. It was our last adventure together. It was a good amount of time to travel with Hil, for sure. We parted ways and planned to meet that evening for dinner. I took a taxi to New Epoch Hotel and met papa. It was good to see him, I felt quite alive and in good spirits. We caught up and then left the hotel to wander a bit, but it rained so we ended up at a bakery where I tried not to indulge too much in tasty morsels. Then we took a cab to the restaurant and wandered from there where we ended up at the mall, of all places. It was a high class mall with top end shops. We stopped and had tea and people watched as I thought about the color of my hair in contrast to everything around me. Strange, strange. Then we looked at different furniture and the designs of Asia, my dad loved it. I saw the shop Nine West and it definitely made me think of my mom whatever.
We ate at a restaurant recommended in Lonely Planet that night with Hil which was, overpriced but it was nice to chat and also be out of the rain. It had been raining the entire day and all of us were soaked.



October 11

Today my dad and I wandered the streets of Saigon in the rain. We went to the market and walked around, had tea and a mango smoothie at Highlands Coffee and then walked, in the rain, to the War Remnants Museum. It was a fascinating museum and we learned a lot about the war as well as the silliness of it. I think the rain, walking and the history of the museum wore us out so we took a cab back to the hotel and relaxed and packed for the next day before going to eat outside at a local market.

October 12


Left for the tour to the Mekong Delta, which is the heart of the rice and agriculture industry of Vietnam. The bus ride was long through industrial areas mixed with rice paddy fields. After a three hour bus ride we arrived at the entrance to the Mekong Delta where we jumped on a simple boat to go through the floating markets which are markets for the locals, not for tourists. Everything is sold in quantities of at least 10 kilos. We got off and were taught how rice cakes, rice wine, puffed rice and coconut candy is made. Very cool. We bought some coconut candy for the wee kids. Then, we were back on the boat for more Mekong Delta. Other travelers with us: Tom, a guy from Chicago who had been teaching in S. Korea for the past year, and Jessica, Jonathan, and Christina from Spain. Jessica and Christina whom I assume were mother and daughter spoke no English, Jonathan a bit. It was nice to chat with them and speak some Spanish for a bit. We got off on an island and rode bikes to a restaurant. The bikes were crappy but I remember my dad being pretty happy and saying, “Wow, riding on that boat in the delta, it was great and I though, how can life really be that bad”, you know?
So we stopped and ate at a restaurant that had a huge viper in a cage at the entrance. A woman that worked at the restaurant tried to open the gate, not sure why because we weren't interested in having the snake escape but anyways, she wasn't able to open it. We were told to sit at two different tables, “three people at each table please” and my dad ordered this random fish on a stick, kingfish with rice paper and the fixings. I ordered the veggie option which was tofu, two spring rolls and some veggies. We chatted with Tom a bit and then we returned to the boat and headed to Chau Doc, another city in the Mekong Delta. The bus ride was long, grueling actually as the driver continued to honk his horn every 5 minutes for the next 5 hours. It tested all of our patience but was worthwhile when we finally arrived at the boat. It was dark and the boat was lit up, as it welcomed us from our long bus journey, and the good thing is that the boat didn't have a horn!
We had a two hour ride on it and it flew by and I drank a 333 beer and we stood on top of the boat and chatted and sipped beer (my dad drank 7-up). It was beautiful and calming after a long day.



October 13
We woke up at 6a.m. To leave. I wasn't interested in eating the breakfast offered so I went out to buy some fruit. It was a lovely experience as all of the locals smiled at me and looked warmly at me. I went to buy water and a nice man helped me with paying in Vietnamese dong and then invited me to drink a coffee. Man, its moments like these, those simple moments when you feel loved in the world, even if for a minute when someone notices you, notices your existence and wants to know more about you.

We got on the boat and went to a fishing farm and then wandered through a town where there was a mosque because the Cham people are Islam. We bought some greasy but really good sesame donut things and wandered the streets looking at the people as if we were in a zoo, the children continue to amaze me with their beauty and way of being. Then we got on the "fast boat" to Cambodia. The air was crisp and I enjoyed the ride. It got complicated with border crossings, changing money, my dad only having a single entry rather than a multi-entry visa but in the end it all worked out and we eventually arrived in Phnom Penh where we crossed a man on a motor bike with live pigs attached to the back while all of us in our group continued complaining, but they eventually, well, in the last five minutes of our journey together, surrendered to the absurdity of the situation and reminded ourselves that we had chosen to travel so embrace it!


We arrived at the tour guides agency and we arranged to pick up my dad's visa on Saturday and bought a bus ticket to Angkor Wat that was scheduled to leave an hour later. Then we wandered through the markets and bought mango and oranges for the bus ride. then we found a guesthouse where we ate tuna and shrimp salads and amazing french fries like the ones my mom used to make.
The bus ride was long but good as we talked about my dad's youth, my mom and dad's love, my mom's death, religion, my dad's demons, we argued but in the end we were alright and finally arrived at 11:30 in Siem Reap, the base city for Angkor Wat

The next morning we arranged a driver for Angkor Wat and then we rode our bikes around Siem Reap. It was really hot that day so we decided to take refuge in a cafe called the Blue Pumpkin, which was one of the coolest restaurants I have ever seen. The upstairs is the “lounge area”. It is completely covered with these very large white cushions that you sit on and they bring you a wee table to sit on. We stayed there for about two hours. I had an iced coffee with springs rolls and my dad got a fresh juice and a Mediterranean salad. As he sat there he got the idea that he could make this place a business in Utah, an Asian style hangout. There are so many employees everywhere we go. They must be paid a minimum wage, must be because how could you ever earn any money otherwise.

We are staying at the Sam Tom Guesthouse which is a simple guesthouse but the people that work there are very helpful. We woke this morning and ate the guesthouse breakfast and chatted with one guy about his life. He was from Cambodia, had never traveled anywhere and he had three children. We also met Moori who is a tuktuk driver and was trying to sell himself as our tuktuk driver for our excursion to Angkor Wat. His English is good and he was nice and me, and even with my frugality I finally gave in to him and his prices for being our driver to Angkor Wat. We spent the morning emailing and just chilling before we rented bikes and headed to the “downtown” to explore. It was nice being on a bike, I love exploring cities on bikes. We meandered through the streets on the bicycles in awe of the floods, the children and all the stuff. We stopped, briefly at a temple where English lessons were also being given to some monks in one of the buildings. It was a temple with hindu-looking gods yet it was a mosque-like area. Whatever. My dad took pictures of a building that was under construction. What intrigues the eye—to each its own.

We wandered some more and then stopped at the Central Market to look for a journal for my dad. I saw this beautiful child being given a bath and took a picture and then showed the child herself, she was adorable and in awe of herself, as she should have been. Then we bought fans from this kind woman and wandered back out. Of course it was busy when we arrived but we bought our tickets at 5p.m. And headed to watch the sunset on one of the temples. When we arrived my dad bought two beers and a sprite for $3 and offered one of the beers to Moori, I have never seen someone so appreciative of a beer! Then my dad and I trekked to the top to enjoy the view with a million other people. At the top, there was a place for burning incense and I lit two, one for ma and one for my beloved Fede. We wandered and then stopped to enjoy the sunset over a beer and a sprite We meandered back in the dark and drove back to town where we biked to town where we eventually ended up at the Angkor Wat guesthouse where I had two .50 pints of beer and an amazing chicken salad and my dad ordered a mixed salad and spinach fettuchine. We chatted and read a bit about Angkor Wat and discussed nature and its influence in different religions. I had weird dreams last night, my mom was in them. But, I like that I keep meeting her in my dreams. I truly do hope that I see her again someday.



We just returned from Angkor Wat. Ah, it was a long day, I enjoyed it but it was long. When we got back from Angkor Wat we relaxed a bit in the hotel room and watched Top Chef and then we walked to a nearby restaurant, I want to say it was called Golden Lotus or something. Anyways, my dad and I had a great conversation about dating and moving on and forward and I made a toast to us beginning to embrace this thing we have in common. He ordered a meal that gave him a free glass of red wine which I happily enjoyed after my beer and peanuts with my banana leaf blossom chicken salad. We talked about intuition, the after life and other conversations of the sort that possibly can only be had in a small town in Asia with a father and daughter traveling, all rarities in themselves. Who knows if my dad and I will ever spend this much time together again, so I hope to enjoy it more rather than curse it.

October 17

Yesterday we awoke at 5a.m. In order to get a bus from Siem Reap to Ho Chi Minh. Moori took us to Capitol Tours headquarters and then we took a minivan to the bus station. The ride was long and we stopped frequently to pick up locals who also appeared to be using this bus to get to work, to drop something off, or whatever. It was interesting to just watch the life of these people, especially through the soundtrack of headphones, a moving motion picture, it all was a bit romanticized and sometimes it's nice when life is romanticized a bit. There was a sweet old Vietnamese man who sat in front of us. He seemed quite content with his life, it was refreshing to see, to witness “old man, drenched with blissful rain drops that...' I can't remember the rest of that poem. What else, it is tough to remember. My dad read his book and I read mine and we journeyed on, the next step.

When we arrived in HoChiMinh we decided to stay in a more economical place. As we were walking to find somewhere to stayI was approached by a guy trying to sell me his guesthouse called “My Home”. He led us in and on the 6th floor we found our new home. With Winnie the pooh and Mickey Mouse décor. But a nice family. We bought our plane tickets to Con Dao islands and then I wandered the streets for a bit alone. Wandering the streets “alone” in Asia. Ha! It still stuns me, astounds me, how many people there really are in this world, on this small block, I mean, wow. Wowsers.
We are now sitting at Highland Coffee at the street corner of District 1. The chairs are comfortable, we have a great view of the great big world out there as we sit in our air conditioned place my dad looks at golf magazines.
Balance. There is a picture of a coffee pot with that word, that word.
This place is nice, I find it strange that they only have golf magazines.

On the journey here yesterday my thoughts roamed to the day when I was told that Fede had died. I hate re-living that day but it seems to come to me, visit me, haunt me all too often. I miss that boy, my love, my life with him. As a couple, as Fede's wife, as la gringa, as amberita, as a married woman, as a person in a bilingual relationship, as a person who communicated with her husband in Spanish. As, as, as: a simile to something that no longer exists.

October 18, 5:18p.m.






I am now sitting at Con Dao Resort looking out at the ocean. They are islands about an hour plane ride from Vietnam. The islands belong to Vietnam and were once a penal colony during the war with France. It is nice to be away from the hustle of Ho Chi Minh though that hustle can also be a nice distraction, some entertainment. Sometimes silence, peace, quiet, “stillness” is terrifying. You only have yourself, your thoughts. Meditation scares me for this reason. Probably why I should do it.


When we arrived at the airport I looked for a place for us to stay and we got a deal at a resort for about $45 a night but it is nice because there is a pool and a private beach and well, it is nice.

When we got to the resort we wandered down the streets looking for a place to eat something. A long while later we ended up at a place that had a “Restaurant” sign so we went inside. We would be the only customers, so I did the universal food sign and he said yes, and immediately told us to sit down. Before we were given menus they put a tablecloth on the table, clean, but with wee holes all over it. Funny. Then we were given the menu that had the worst English I have seen yet and as long as a book with options like: crocdile,

after a while we were able to find something and I also ordered a soda with lemon and sugar which I was brought out a soda water, two lime wedges and a small bowl of sugar with a spoon. Of course we returned to the conversation that we always return to and he said: I am waiting for inspiration”. It is so easy for me to give advice to others and I said that right is the moment, right now is your inspiration, don't wait for someone else for something to inspire you or entertain you, rather, find it for yourself. Yeah, I suppose. Easier said than done. It was a good conversation, a bit of a wake up call I suppose. After our meal we wandered back to the hotel and I went out to jump in the water. It felt amazing, refreshing even though the water was quite shallow. Then I jumped in the hotel pool as I was surrounded by little kids. Yapping—dogs and kids are so similar—and then it started to rain.

I can still see the islands in the distance, they are lovely, peaceful. And the lights from the boats, speckled stars they are, all doing their own thing yet all able to see the other. Ah, speckled boats to just be on one, sitting there, with your thoughts, and only those. It is like a wee torture. I find it ironic that this was once a penal colony, torture, because sometimes, when you are forced to relax, to be in paradise, it feels torturous. Forced to confront your thoughts, your time, it is somewhat meditation, strange. The irony of it all.

I am trying to grasp some of the ideas that I have been reading in Conversations with God. There was an interesting one today which talked about the concept that we are masters.

But there was one interesting thing which I would like to remember:
The Laws are very simple.
1.Thought is creative.
2.Fear attracts like energy.
3.Love is all there is.

“Begin by being still. Quiet the outer world, so that the inner world might bring you sight. This in-sight is what you seek, yet you cannot have it while you are so deeply concerned with your outer reality.
“If I do not go within I go without”

Nice thoughts. I will try I suppose, do the best I can.


“Actions are words moving. Words are thoughts expressed. Thoughts are ideas formed. Ideas are energies come together. Energies are forces release. Forces are elements existent. Elements are particles of God, portions of All, the stuff of everything.”

October 20, 2010

Here on Con Dao island no one speaks English and anything you order on the menu they “don't have”. We spent the day lounging and just relaxing which was really hard for me. It was probably one of the hardest days yet on the trip. Yet, I got a lot of writing done, I read a lot, my ankle rested and I swam! It is funny how often, being in that moment, you feel like you aren't accomplishing anything when just BEING is accomplishing something, no expectations.

Luckily, in the afternoon we went rented a motorbike for 2 hours and drove around this island. About 12km away we visited a wee town where I stopped to buy water and apples. Then we drove all over, hoping to find the entrance to the park. The locals were very friendly, smiling and saying hello to us as we passed cows on the street, grazing away, locals building probably to make this a next getaway for travelers, and the local army training for combat or whatever army training people do. It was nice to be on a motorbike and just drive, I must admit. Then we came back to the hotel and jumped in the water.

Other observations:
Mr. Skinny, aka, friendly guy who doesnt' talk, just spends his time alone, suppose tha tis when we should stop judging. We are so quick to judge in others what we don't like about ourselves. I need to work on that.
-the hotel worker who couldn't pronounce “service”
-weird chicken egg things and eating pieces of pork for breakfast
-tea with sweetened condensed milk
-this beautiful veranda where we can sit and write and read or just stare off into the space of the ocean and other islands and anything
-the laugh of this little girl, Iliana
-ordering something and have no idea what you are going to get
-the workers telling you that they have something just because they have no idea what you are saying
-Water, shallow, very shallow water here at Con Dao resort
-

October 21, 2010

8:14a.m. On our last morning on Con Dao island. It is beautiful this morning as I look out on the horizon. There are rain clouds everywhere and I can hear the sound of some workers or something behind me. As I went to jump in this morning I saw a large crab scurrying on the beach. When he saw me he quickly ran into his hole. The water felt really good this morning. I was tired, another restless sleep with my dad snoring and my thoughts, my anxiety, my obsessions, my angers, my impatience even with sleeping. Yesterday was a fantastic day following one of the most difficult. I enjoyed the morning yesterday, got a lot of writing in, swam to the buoys twice and even did some reading. I was racing with time rather than letting it pull me. Then we rented a motorbike again and tried to find the national park The system here isn't as organized as the western world and I have come to realize that I expect too much. We found the park headquarters and after having to search for a woman to help us she explained a bit about the park, mostly guides and rangers needed. We decided to try and find a wee little hike of 20 minutes and just explore. Nothing was very well marked but after some searching we found a wee sign for Con duong beach and descended down to the beach and the “hike”. I took my time as my ankle limits me in everything. When we got to the bottom my dad was waiting for me and taking some pictures. I walked over to him and surprised him with some snacks: wee cookies and some apples. And we enjoyed our snack while looking out at the ocean and then a ranger came and charged us a fee. My dad was very upset even though it was only $1 each. I only had a 100,000 dong so he brought me back 50d and water. Then I was upset. We are so western, we expect too much. Really need to calm the fuck down. We wandered around some more and then went back to the bike where I finally decided to try driving one. I instantly loved it and wanted to keep doing it. It was nice to just drive with nowhere to go, felt good, especially as the sun was setting, there was cool breeze, no sun on my face, I was content.

I got back and jumped in the water and then I had a beer while my dad had a carrot juice

We chatted for a long time. When I paid he got teary eyed and told me how much I reminded him of mama, ah mama. How we miss you. How he misses you.

Anyways, it was a good conversation as something above kept throwing bitten off nuts on the ground, perhaps at us.

It is hard to think that the time is coming to an end and we will have to return to life, to reality, I hope that my dad will be o.k. I hope that I will be o.k.

Collected a couple of seashells this morning, one for my dad so that he remembers this trip and the beauty in the small things, perhaps I will try and do the same with the one I picked for myself. It will be hard to leave the beach this morning, but it is true, nothing is permanent, that is why you truly must just enjoy where you are, or at least BE where you are because it will change, it just will.

October 23, 6:37a.m.


From conversations with god:

It is very difficult to reverse the effects of negative thinking once they have taken physical form. Not impossible—but very difficult. It takes an act of extreme faith. It requires an extraordinary belief in the positive force of the universe—whether you call that God, Goddess, the Unmoved Mover, Prime Force, First Cause, or whatever. Heave have just such faith. It is a faith that crosses over into Absolute Knowing. They know that you are meant to be whole, complete, and perfect in this moment now. This knowingness is also a thought—a very powerful one. It as the power to move mountains—to say nothing of molecules in your body."



When we arrived back in Ho Chi Minh went to the park and I had a beer and my dad had a tropicana twister and we went and sat in the park for a moment to watch the locals play a strange game where they hit some sort of ball with their feet, it was kindof like badminton, footminton??? Then some students came over and wanted to chat with us to practice their English. I am so uptight, didn't want to, but I had some beer in me so I indulged them. One of them asked me to speak louder and I said: "No, i'm on vacation”. I am such a jerk. Then we got motorbikes and went down so that my dad could see the Bitexco Financial Towers, the tallest building in Vietnam that is still being built. The motorbike ride was great and after my dad admired the building we made our way to the Majestic Hotel for a sky view of the city. It was a whim decision and it was fantastic! Really beautiful, I ordered a mojito and my dad a virgin pina colada and we enjoyed being UP in so many ways. Over the city, different views, beautiful lights and just being a bit happier, together. Then we wandered down and into this cool vintagey, antiquey shop where we discovered some fans! And other cool little trinkets and gifts. We were finally hungry as it started to rain and because of it we ran into the closest restaurant, “Pomodoro”, which ended up being a very fancy and pricey Italian restaurant. We spent 533,000 dong (half a million dong!) on the meal but it was worth it. Good pizza, good salads, good wine, good conversation—it was a great day.

The next day we went to the CuChi tunnels. The tunnels were interesting but shocking at how horrible war can be.
On the way back I let my dad have the window and I told him that we were going to get massages when we got back. He got a massage which was shorter than it should have been and I got a food scraping thing which was also shorter than it should have been. She asked me for a tip and I refused and didn't want to argue. Then, starving, we at probably the best meal yet. Spinach in oyster sauce, tom yum soup and spring rolls. We wandered back to the hotel and rested and then wandered out for our last night. Basically, we walked a lot, had a beer and 7 layer nachos” at a bier garden and then got last and walked all over town and even into a escort service street, it was strange. We finally took a taxi back to our hotel area and got frozen yogurt at some very Asian yogurt shop and did our last shoppping. We were both exhausted This morning we had a nice breakfast together before heading to the airport and our separate ways. I really do believe that my dad and I are going to be o.k.
Chau Vietnam, it was a great aventura.