Loi Krathong

Loi Krathong is celebrated on the first full moon of the 12th lunar month--this year that meant November 19-22. The festival is meant to be one day but the Thais love their celebrations so it was extended to 4 days! Basically the festival is to thank the river goddess for providing water to the crops and forests. It is also a time to ask the river goddess for forgiveness for the "polluting ways of humans". I find this quite ironic as the way they thank the goddess is by making "krathongs" or floats to float down the river--the krathongs are made from banana leaves, flowers, incense and candles.


The Thais also light lanterns in which one makes a wish for the future and it is let go into the sky to go who knows where.




The festival ends with a parade, but the lanterns continue to be lit and let go into the sky for weeks and weeks after





And of course, as with every Thai holiday, celebration, and day, there is a lot of food involved

Vietnam

(Warning: This post is as long as the country of Vietnam!)

We had a 3 week break from school and so my great friend Hilary and I decided to go to Vietnam. We would travel together for about ten days and then I was going to meet up with my dad and she was meeting her boyfriend. We were both excited for the adventure, for a different culture, some different polluted air. I had been on crutches for 3 weeks before so the first few days were difficult as I limped around, but can't let a little thing like walking properly stop me from having a new adventure...

October 3,

Hanoi, Vietnam.

As soon as we arrived we got an airport mini bus after trying to bargain the price, but we ended up paying $3 each. (In Vietnam you can pay with dollars or Vietnamese dong, 20,000dong is about $1) It doesn't sound like much but it was probably 3x what a Vietnamese would pay, but what you gonna do when you want to get somewhere? The drive was long and the sounds of the infamous cars, motorcycles and whatever-else-you-can honk horns began before we even left the airport. It was a mad rush driving on the freeway with rice fields on both sides of us. Such contrasts--the world is such a contrast now with international communication, the internet, the ease of traveling, nothing is as it was. You can say that it is good or bad, or perhaps just observe it and try to adapt, because it is always about adapting.

We drove past literally thousands of people on motorcycles with helmets that looked like baseball caps, and which are probably just as effective as helmets (but they look cool!)


The first day in Hanoi was exciting because it was a new city, a new culture, but not so unfamiliar, so foreign as when I arrived in Chiang Mai. I felt a bit more adapted to Asian culture: the motorcycles, the people, how I stuck out, the lack of being able to communicate in the language spoken, etc.
We were dropped at a cathedral and had to find the hostel where we wanted to stay. With Hilary as the navigator it wasn't that difficult. We wound through Asian streets that had a typical Asian feel that I had yet to feel in Chiang Mai. The streets were narrow and thin—like the Asians, yet colorful like many Asian traditions with lanterns, flowers and plants hanging onto their homes, their culture, to their traditions, also like the Asian people. It is a truly beautiful, and DISTINCT part of the world and I am finally starting to grasp it.
However, there is a strange obsession here with skin color. Asians do not want to be dark, they want to be white. It is a cultural belief, passed down from generation to generation, that if you are dark it means that you work in the country, which therefore means you are poor. Unlike typical Western culture, where being tan is considered beautiful because it means that you have money and therefore, the free time to go and lay out. I was bothered by the obsession with skin color, and then I realized I was judging everyone on their prejudice because it is what I hate in myself and what I think everyone judges me on. I remember last night in Hanoi when we went to eat at a restaurant and two men looked at me and I thought, they are laughing at me because of my color, both hair and skin, and that they MUST think it is strange and different. My hair, my hair that I had just cut the day prior—8 inches, my hair that has always made me unique or a freak. I am in that black and white definition that I tend to view the world in. I have realized it again after I talked to hilary about our inclination to think in that way, in bi-polarities. And then I thought about my mom, that she wasn't crazy, perhaps she had a perception that most of us just didn't understand. An understanding about the world that we don't understand. Perhaps that sensitivity is the next intelligence that we don't think that we can tap into as humans. Perhaps it has nothing to do with math or the ability to solve those issues, but to just understand a little bit more, your fellow human beings, which must stem from a deeper sensitivity about the other—in every sense of the other, but every sense!!! Not just the senses that we are aware of as human beings; my mother, with her mental issues, eating issues, people issues, she took her own life, she is gone, but she was wise, she knew, she saw different colors and she celebrated them--I miss her.

So we arrived in Hanoi at a backpackers hostel. I felt old! All these "kids" surrounding me but whatever, I am where I am i was just a bit out of my “space”, which is actually a really good thing to do every once in a while. We got a dorm room and trekked up to the 4th floor. Before I would have been happy to have the exercise but I just felt overwhelmed with my "limping", again, out of my space, it was humbling.
We went out to explore and find a tour for Halong bay. We decided that perhaps the Hostel Backpackers Version wasn't for us (it was described as three days of partying with a bit more partying for $200!--not for us).
First, we went to find a place to exchange money, our Thai baht for Vietnamese dong (let the jokes begin). It was mayhem out there in the streets, searching for "dong". My ankle was screaming at me, but I ignored it like a mother tired of her neverending crying baby. So I bought Hil and I two plums and bared it, until we randomly, and luckily, found the exchange place. Then we hired a bicycle tuktuk to take us to Culi Cafe which was also the home of Wide Eyed Tours, a potential tour company for Halong Bay. It was nice to sit in the tuktuk and see the scene of Hanoi and just watch. When we arrived, the driver wanted 50,000 dong, not the 40,000 that we had bargained for, he thought he was funny, I didn't see his humor and got a little annoyed, so he just gave me my change and drove off. Culi Cafe wasn't there but Sinh cafe was so we went in, the guy was nice, gave us honest information, so we booked the tour to Halong Bay (for $75, yes Amber the frugal is still here). Then we went to explore. We saw random people, both farang (foreigners) and locals sitting in front of kiosk-like places drinking beer. It was as if they were watching something, but what? Really they were just watching each other, we are all just watching each other. But it looked fun so we decided to join. Another farang gestured that we should come to where he was and we sat next to a couple of nice people and ordered two pints and started chattin' with Nick, an older Brit who had been teaching and living in Vietnam for two and a half years. And then "Superman", Milo, or (can't remember his name at the moment) and we chatted and waited for the right snack to present itself to us. "Superman" was French Canadian and was married to a Vietnamese woman. They had a one year old son named John. We talked of running and he wanted to run the half marathon in Bangkok on November 21. I offered him some advice, like the farleck, or what to eat as we, ironically, drank more beer. Then we met his wife and his son. Beautiful family, what a dream, I thought as I sat there with my draft beer for 25 cents.



After a couple of hours Hil and I were hungry so ventured down a street that they recommended and went to the busy place (we discovered that it is always wise to go the busy places) and ordered stir-fried spinach, a chicken clay pot with garlic and a tomato and cucumber plate, delicioso. Then we wandered back, through the walking street, the mayhem of the 100 year festival with lights and women cutting sugar cane and people wearing ribbons of the 1000 years around their heads, as the pain of my ankle reminding me of its presence.
I noticed how many children and families I saw about. Especially one with a father who was joking around with his children, beautifully, so beautifully, and the mother with the younger girl, ah the beauty of that simple family as I was staying in a youth hostel at age 35, out of sink, not in black or white, but I didn't feel good in gray either, and gray is definitely my color at times. Whatever. Whatever. Hil bought an ice cream, which everyone else was eating and throwing on the ground and we wandered back. That night I decided to take a shower and saw that my ankle was the size of a golf ball.






Halong Bay:
Our tour mates were: Andy and Amy from Scotland, Neta from Israel, Yeemon from China, Leo from China, Petri from Finland but living in China and three girls from Norway: Elizabeth, Inga, and can't remember the other one, so Inga 2. Our guide was Zon! Or somtething like that. Halong Bay is beautiful, comprised of 1000 islands, 960 have names.
We went to a cave on Halong bay which included statues of a laughing Buddha and Juanin, the female Buddha. While there, I had a nice conversation with two Australians who noticed that I had a hurt ankle and empathized. I told them that I hoped it was giving me some empathy for others who perhaps don't have the physical capabilities that I normally have. One of them talked about how she thought she could be another way and she tried laying out in the sun and she got heat stroke. Humility. I think about one of the Norweigan woman, Ingrid, who has a deformed hand, but she is this beautiful redhead and she is so positive! And she has a disability, and she just kindof says fuck it.

I was happy today when I was able to swim. I swam and dove and swam and it felt so good to be in the water, to swim, truly. I felt alive. Hil and I had a great conversation over beers about those insecurities that begin when we are in middle school and seem to be the ones that most affect us. Hilary asked me if I thought that I lived more in the past or the future?

Hmm, good question, but it doesn't really matter. What I would like to learn,is that I should find some patience, with myself, with the universe, with the one person that tests it more than anyone. Life is here. I am in it. And I don't know what is next, so I don' know why I can't just embrace this present moment, like Hil, like my buddha bree, like the wee children that I see every day on the streets, barefoot, dirty and fine with it, just fine, perhaps they aren't happy or unhappy, no black and whites, they just are, right, just are.

October 4

We woke up this morning at 5:30a.m. to watch the sunrise. We were so proud of our motivated selves until we got to the deck as Leo was descending saying that it had begun to rain. So we sat in the chairs and looked outside hoping to see something spectacular, always waiting for that inspiring moment. At about 6a.m. It stopped raining and we went up, but the sky was cloudy and the sun didn't want to come out and impress us. So we did some stretching, Hil did some yoga and then we went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I woke up at 7a.m. And decided to jump in the
water, it was invigorating, woke me from my warying sleep. Then we showered and ate our last breakfast on the boat: little tea cups, little pieces of watermelon cut in the shape of a fish, I think, very fried eggs and toast. We sat with the Scottish couple, Amy and Andy, and Andy told me that the French influence in Vietnam is because the French invaded Vietnam and had rule over the country (he used a term that I had never heard before) until 1954. The French-Asian fusion here is great, I love it. I love to see the fusion that you find around the world now, especially of such contrasts of western and eastern cultures We all went to the top for our last few minutes of sailing through Halong Bay. Halong means descending dragon and there is a longer tale attached to it that I don't remember. We said our goodbyes to some of our mates that were ending the tour, with pictures and Facebook exchanges and headed on to our next adventure. The Norweigan girls joined us as we got on a bus headed to CatBa Island and CatBa national park for a 2 hour hike to the top. Ingrid was kind enough to share an Oreo with us which pepped me up a bit. I found a makeshift walking stick and we began. Again, I felt the anxiety of my physical limitations. I, who would normally be at the front of the pack, leading the way, was behind and people were passing me. Before we started the guide told us about the hike and said that we may see snakes along the way so to be careful. Hil asked, “Are they poisonous?” and he promptly and quickly responded, “yes”. Haha, so we started and trudged along. When we got to the top there was a very rusty tower to climb for the view, it was breathtaking, wind in my body, clearing my soul a bit of the anxiety I was feeling and yeah, then I descended. It was difficult, I was frustrated, but yes, I did it. Everyone was patient and waited and the guide told me I won the award of the day. Yeah, whatever. We had a 30 minute bus ride to CatBa Island and the hotel, Sunflower Hotel. We are on the 10th floor, but it is nice, we ate a meal, my appetite was voracious, still feel like I could eat something and then Hil and I took a 2 hour nap. Oh yes, before we went to lunch I iced my ankle with two cold coke cans—I love to makeshift. It is a great word, a great quality. A makeshifter. I hope that I can continue to do this in my life.
Lunch with the Norwegians. They all talked about what they are studying. Ingrid is studying medicine and will go to Nepal for four months. She talked about mountains and medicine and I find myself wanting to go there more and more.
After that, we needed a break from the young Norwegians so we ventured to the beach. We had the infamous Vietnamese coffee, which is made in wee filters with condensed milk on the bottom. It is nice to watch the Vietnamese enjoy the water, it is a family environment for sure and there is definitely less modesty here than in Thailand. The children continue to warm my heart and my swollen soul, perhaps it will help my injury(s). Who knows what is next, who knows.

Hilary asked me that question again last night, if I am more in the past or in the future. I said the past because the future scares me though I do think about the fact that I am constantly thinking about what is next, at 5 or 6:30 this evening for instance when dinnertime is. Hmm, I don't know. I suppose that I want to be in the past and I want the future to just pass by quickly. I wonder if anyone here, on this beach, feels that way. What do all of these people think about?

I just read a lovely story in the Lonely Planet guidebook called "The Widow's Island", and how the locals found a buffalo wandering and ate its meat but didn't share any with her. Unbeknownst to them, the buffalo belonged to the river ghost. He disguised himself as a beggar and went to the island asking for food. Everyone ignored and rejected him except for the widow who gave him food and kindness. He told the woman to put shucks of rice around her house and that night he caused a great flood. Everyone was killed and everything was flooded except for where the woman lived, hence the name of the island.
To be kind to everyone, to show patience and humility. Yeah.



On our way back to Ha Long city and then Hanoi.

Observations:
-getting on the elevator today we went to a different floor which already seemed full but many Asians got in with us, they are used to using all space. I felt a real invasion of space today, but who the hell am I?

-I have started reading Conversations with God. Interesting book about thoughts and words and feelings. That words are the
excerpts:
“Every prayer—every thought, every statement, every feeling—is creative.”

“the thought behind the thought, that is your controlling thought.”

“doubt is your greatest enemy, which is fear.”

“In truth the only two emotions are FEAR and LOVE—only two words in the language of the soul.”

“the thought of either LOVE of FEAR. It is the raw energy that drives the engine of human experience.”

“Yet if you knew who you are—that you are the most magnificent, the most remarkable, the most splendid being God has ever created—you would never fear. For who could reject such wondrous magnificence? Not ever God could find fault in such a being.”


Words. Words. Sometimes I feel like it is all I have, all I've got. But perhaps that is the lie I tell myself. For I do control the words that I use, that I choose to put on paper, or on a Word document. Often, though, they still let me down. When the words I want don't come to me. I suppose I should have more gratitude for even being able to form them, manipulate them, play with them a bit, be creative. I can give myself that, I will give myself that.

October 6, 2010

We were wandering today, as you tend to do when you are traveling in a city, and we saw a Buddhist temple, Chinese influence, and decided to wander in. After we took off our shoes to enter the wee temple I felt compelled to sit and of all things, meditate. Just have a moment of silence, a moment of peace, a moment where I am not thinking about what is next or what isn't next. No next, just now. It was difficult to concentrate but it felt good, I felt calm, I wasn't afraid. I tried to focus on one thing which was difficult, but in the background, somewhere, I could hear a piano playing, and that is what I tried to focus on. I could hear the sound of a computer being turned on by the shaved head Buddhist monk, someone working on drilling something outside, of course the horns and movements of the motorbikes, and of course, all of the billions of crazy, tiny, stupid, and even important and quite menial thoughts in my head. My back started to hurt, I waited a couple more minutes, and then I said: god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Last night when we got back from Halong Bay we got a dorm room at the Hue Backpackers Hostel and ventured out for more exploration. After wandering for a while we stumbled upon Sorbetto where we had kahlua, baileys, coffee and whip cream and mini almond cookies over talking about everything and everything inbetween. After we wandered some more to the market and decided to get a beer at Legends Beer, but after we realized that the only beer available was a dark beer we left and went to the top floor and got Saigon beer. More observing, more wandering of the festival and all that is going on right now. We met two whom we thought were Vietnamese in the elevator who said that they were from Minnesota. Random. They told us to be careful with our wallets and then we journeyed off to find food and wandered into streets of people drinking a sweet juice probably alcohol concoction and eating seeds. They were everywhere, everywhere. We ended up eating a place called “Fast Food”, Then to sleep with a night filled with being woken up on numerous occasions by people coming and going and bizarre dreams that I can't even remember now. But it was an “organized chaos” of people, experiences and pains of my life.

Today we awoke, drank tea and ate a banana, and I got an email from Nico. Wise man for only 25. anyway, now we are at Segarfredo drinking earl gray tea, americanos and writing about all of this.



October 7, 2010

At the airport in Hanoi. On the spur of the moment last night we bought them. We went to happy hour at the hostel and after beer, three vodka sprites and free spring rolls and sausages later we decided to fly to Hoi An (our next destination) instead of take a bus. There had been a lot of flooding in Vietnam due to the rainy season and many buses were turning around. So, we splurged and bought plane tickets.


We arrived in Hoi An a few hours ago. After wandering to try and find the perfect hotel we finally decided to splurge and we are staying at 'Long Life'. The room is $22 a night and includes breakfast, there is a pool and internet. The room is very beautiful and Hil and I have our separate sanctuaries. We went to eat at a restaurant that offered us a “happy hour” discount of 30%. We got fresh veggie spring rolls, draft beer and I got shrimp and squid salad and Hilary got duck, the final bill was $6, crazy.

Hoi An is a small beach town in central Vietnam and it is also the textile capital of Vietnam, perhaps even Asia. People come from all over the world to specifically get things tailored. A friend of mine just went there and she had 37 pieces made! one beautifully tailored coat cost her $12. However, I wasn't really interested in getting anything made, Hil did. But we spent a lot of time wandering the streets and about every 23 seconds someone would try to sell us something, o.k., perhaps I should be more accurate and say every 13 seconds.

And then, in the other seconds it is all about bargaining, bargaining, bargaining. You are never given a price, price tags don't exist so it is just a part of making a purchase and it can be exhausting.


October 8, 2010 10-08-10, 8-10-10

So is a wedding anniversary still an anniversary if one of the spouses has died? We are still technically married,well, I guess the til death do us part ended it, I don't know. I suppose it doesn't really matter, but it does matter. It matters to me that I woke up on this day, 5 years after it became a special day now I am in Vietnam, traveling with my friend Hilary whom I met at Dara Academy where I teach English, where I went to because life in “my life” was unbearable.

October 8, 2005
As I tried to stick to tradition a wee bit I decided to stay at my families apartment that night. In the morning I woke to write my wedding vows. As I sat on the couch, early, before anyone else was awake I wrote them, where are they now, who knows. But they did seem more than words. They were written with the form of words so that everyone could understand but Fede didn't need those words.
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
I don't know what the shape makes, any of it. What shape this becomes or if it just remains an endless knot. Where is life leading me, where am I leading myself?
As I look back,slowly on all of the messages of that day. And then I think about last year, I odn't know I am at a loss for words at the moment.
Somewhere over the rainbow....you are somewhere, aren't you fede. What do you think, feel about my sadness? Way up high, and the dreams that you dream of once in a lullaby

It was a love story but perhaps, now, I need to have one with myself, with myself.

I just jumped in the pool, it felt great, invigorating. As I got out I saw bamboo lining the path and it brought me back to Fede and I's trip to Ecuador when we stayed in that bamboo hotel
then I went back up to the room and Hilary said happy day for a celebration. Just what is that word, just what to celebrate, I mean, it isn't the same day that it was in 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008



October 8, the afternoon

Spent the morning writing and then Hilary and I decided to wander around the streets of Hoi An. Markets, food, tailors, hotels and lots of farange
-Banana Split cafe and “white rose”
-Tam Tam and banana blossom salad
-Oil body massages, 1 hour, $5
We decided to turn down a random street and we ran into a temple. Anyways, we went in for some solace from the craziness of the street vendors in Hoi An. The temple was small, very humble, of course there were also street vendors in there but there was a beautiful shrine, typical of other temples, yet with two mountain pictures, one on each side. Seeing them compelled me to asked the woman if I could light some of the incense sticks. She told me yes and said that I had to light all five. So, the first one was for Fede, the second one, the middle one, was for love, the third one was for me, the fourth one was for passion and the fifth one was for the mountains. I felt peaceful, and kneeled down and waied to whatever. It doesn't even matter what, it really is , es lo que hay, truly truly.
I must now realize that I need to move on with life, through it. I feel so strongly about this book and about the foundation. If I could only feel so strongly about myself. I mean, we all just go on and forget things, moments, sounds. Why is that? The silhouette of the mountains, of Fede's legs. His voice I am so tired today.



My stomach was really hurting but I wanted to go out and “celebrate”:celebrate love, friendship, adventure, and the now. Things that Fede and I did together and I will and can continue to do independently. So I put on my orange shirt, my black skirt and some makeup and lipstick and we went to a wine bar and ordered two glasses of french wine and some bruschetta and toasted to “not being stuck”
-It all comes back to balance
-Onward
-then we walked, tipsy and happy and crossed the bridge to “For You” cafe. The only reason stopped was to look at the wine menu and we ended up staying and having Dalat wine for 25,000dong a glass (About $1) plus free peanuts and fresh spring rolls.
Then, after not noticing the time because my watch had broken, we ended up leaving at 11 and realizing that everything was closed. So we wandered and finally entered a bar to have one last appetizer and glass of wine. Earlier at the french wine place we talked about .the value of independence, which is something we have right now at this stage in our lives. I mentioned the fact that when I was with Fede I didn't write as much as I do now and I think it's because well, I was happy but also because I was focused on Spanish and other things. Anyways, I have re-discovered it and it feels good, in spite of it all, a pesar de todo, me siento bien.
We ended the evening with a round of B-52's (a typical Vietnamese drink) to celebrate the past and the present moments.


October 10

We took a flight from Hoi An to HoChiMinh. It was our last adventure together. It was a good amount of time to travel with Hil, for sure. We parted ways and planned to meet that evening for dinner. I took a taxi to New Epoch Hotel and met papa. It was good to see him, I felt quite alive and in good spirits. We caught up and then left the hotel to wander a bit, but it rained so we ended up at a bakery where I tried not to indulge too much in tasty morsels. Then we took a cab to the restaurant and wandered from there where we ended up at the mall, of all places. It was a high class mall with top end shops. We stopped and had tea and people watched as I thought about the color of my hair in contrast to everything around me. Strange, strange. Then we looked at different furniture and the designs of Asia, my dad loved it. I saw the shop Nine West and it definitely made me think of my mom whatever.
We ate at a restaurant recommended in Lonely Planet that night with Hil which was, overpriced but it was nice to chat and also be out of the rain. It had been raining the entire day and all of us were soaked.



October 11

Today my dad and I wandered the streets of Saigon in the rain. We went to the market and walked around, had tea and a mango smoothie at Highlands Coffee and then walked, in the rain, to the War Remnants Museum. It was a fascinating museum and we learned a lot about the war as well as the silliness of it. I think the rain, walking and the history of the museum wore us out so we took a cab back to the hotel and relaxed and packed for the next day before going to eat outside at a local market.

October 12


Left for the tour to the Mekong Delta, which is the heart of the rice and agriculture industry of Vietnam. The bus ride was long through industrial areas mixed with rice paddy fields. After a three hour bus ride we arrived at the entrance to the Mekong Delta where we jumped on a simple boat to go through the floating markets which are markets for the locals, not for tourists. Everything is sold in quantities of at least 10 kilos. We got off and were taught how rice cakes, rice wine, puffed rice and coconut candy is made. Very cool. We bought some coconut candy for the wee kids. Then, we were back on the boat for more Mekong Delta. Other travelers with us: Tom, a guy from Chicago who had been teaching in S. Korea for the past year, and Jessica, Jonathan, and Christina from Spain. Jessica and Christina whom I assume were mother and daughter spoke no English, Jonathan a bit. It was nice to chat with them and speak some Spanish for a bit. We got off on an island and rode bikes to a restaurant. The bikes were crappy but I remember my dad being pretty happy and saying, “Wow, riding on that boat in the delta, it was great and I though, how can life really be that bad”, you know?
So we stopped and ate at a restaurant that had a huge viper in a cage at the entrance. A woman that worked at the restaurant tried to open the gate, not sure why because we weren't interested in having the snake escape but anyways, she wasn't able to open it. We were told to sit at two different tables, “three people at each table please” and my dad ordered this random fish on a stick, kingfish with rice paper and the fixings. I ordered the veggie option which was tofu, two spring rolls and some veggies. We chatted with Tom a bit and then we returned to the boat and headed to Chau Doc, another city in the Mekong Delta. The bus ride was long, grueling actually as the driver continued to honk his horn every 5 minutes for the next 5 hours. It tested all of our patience but was worthwhile when we finally arrived at the boat. It was dark and the boat was lit up, as it welcomed us from our long bus journey, and the good thing is that the boat didn't have a horn!
We had a two hour ride on it and it flew by and I drank a 333 beer and we stood on top of the boat and chatted and sipped beer (my dad drank 7-up). It was beautiful and calming after a long day.



October 13
We woke up at 6a.m. To leave. I wasn't interested in eating the breakfast offered so I went out to buy some fruit. It was a lovely experience as all of the locals smiled at me and looked warmly at me. I went to buy water and a nice man helped me with paying in Vietnamese dong and then invited me to drink a coffee. Man, its moments like these, those simple moments when you feel loved in the world, even if for a minute when someone notices you, notices your existence and wants to know more about you.

We got on the boat and went to a fishing farm and then wandered through a town where there was a mosque because the Cham people are Islam. We bought some greasy but really good sesame donut things and wandered the streets looking at the people as if we were in a zoo, the children continue to amaze me with their beauty and way of being. Then we got on the "fast boat" to Cambodia. The air was crisp and I enjoyed the ride. It got complicated with border crossings, changing money, my dad only having a single entry rather than a multi-entry visa but in the end it all worked out and we eventually arrived in Phnom Penh where we crossed a man on a motor bike with live pigs attached to the back while all of us in our group continued complaining, but they eventually, well, in the last five minutes of our journey together, surrendered to the absurdity of the situation and reminded ourselves that we had chosen to travel so embrace it!


We arrived at the tour guides agency and we arranged to pick up my dad's visa on Saturday and bought a bus ticket to Angkor Wat that was scheduled to leave an hour later. Then we wandered through the markets and bought mango and oranges for the bus ride. then we found a guesthouse where we ate tuna and shrimp salads and amazing french fries like the ones my mom used to make.
The bus ride was long but good as we talked about my dad's youth, my mom and dad's love, my mom's death, religion, my dad's demons, we argued but in the end we were alright and finally arrived at 11:30 in Siem Reap, the base city for Angkor Wat

The next morning we arranged a driver for Angkor Wat and then we rode our bikes around Siem Reap. It was really hot that day so we decided to take refuge in a cafe called the Blue Pumpkin, which was one of the coolest restaurants I have ever seen. The upstairs is the “lounge area”. It is completely covered with these very large white cushions that you sit on and they bring you a wee table to sit on. We stayed there for about two hours. I had an iced coffee with springs rolls and my dad got a fresh juice and a Mediterranean salad. As he sat there he got the idea that he could make this place a business in Utah, an Asian style hangout. There are so many employees everywhere we go. They must be paid a minimum wage, must be because how could you ever earn any money otherwise.

We are staying at the Sam Tom Guesthouse which is a simple guesthouse but the people that work there are very helpful. We woke this morning and ate the guesthouse breakfast and chatted with one guy about his life. He was from Cambodia, had never traveled anywhere and he had three children. We also met Moori who is a tuktuk driver and was trying to sell himself as our tuktuk driver for our excursion to Angkor Wat. His English is good and he was nice and me, and even with my frugality I finally gave in to him and his prices for being our driver to Angkor Wat. We spent the morning emailing and just chilling before we rented bikes and headed to the “downtown” to explore. It was nice being on a bike, I love exploring cities on bikes. We meandered through the streets on the bicycles in awe of the floods, the children and all the stuff. We stopped, briefly at a temple where English lessons were also being given to some monks in one of the buildings. It was a temple with hindu-looking gods yet it was a mosque-like area. Whatever. My dad took pictures of a building that was under construction. What intrigues the eye—to each its own.

We wandered some more and then stopped at the Central Market to look for a journal for my dad. I saw this beautiful child being given a bath and took a picture and then showed the child herself, she was adorable and in awe of herself, as she should have been. Then we bought fans from this kind woman and wandered back out. Of course it was busy when we arrived but we bought our tickets at 5p.m. And headed to watch the sunset on one of the temples. When we arrived my dad bought two beers and a sprite for $3 and offered one of the beers to Moori, I have never seen someone so appreciative of a beer! Then my dad and I trekked to the top to enjoy the view with a million other people. At the top, there was a place for burning incense and I lit two, one for ma and one for my beloved Fede. We wandered and then stopped to enjoy the sunset over a beer and a sprite We meandered back in the dark and drove back to town where we biked to town where we eventually ended up at the Angkor Wat guesthouse where I had two .50 pints of beer and an amazing chicken salad and my dad ordered a mixed salad and spinach fettuchine. We chatted and read a bit about Angkor Wat and discussed nature and its influence in different religions. I had weird dreams last night, my mom was in them. But, I like that I keep meeting her in my dreams. I truly do hope that I see her again someday.



We just returned from Angkor Wat. Ah, it was a long day, I enjoyed it but it was long. When we got back from Angkor Wat we relaxed a bit in the hotel room and watched Top Chef and then we walked to a nearby restaurant, I want to say it was called Golden Lotus or something. Anyways, my dad and I had a great conversation about dating and moving on and forward and I made a toast to us beginning to embrace this thing we have in common. He ordered a meal that gave him a free glass of red wine which I happily enjoyed after my beer and peanuts with my banana leaf blossom chicken salad. We talked about intuition, the after life and other conversations of the sort that possibly can only be had in a small town in Asia with a father and daughter traveling, all rarities in themselves. Who knows if my dad and I will ever spend this much time together again, so I hope to enjoy it more rather than curse it.

October 17

Yesterday we awoke at 5a.m. In order to get a bus from Siem Reap to Ho Chi Minh. Moori took us to Capitol Tours headquarters and then we took a minivan to the bus station. The ride was long and we stopped frequently to pick up locals who also appeared to be using this bus to get to work, to drop something off, or whatever. It was interesting to just watch the life of these people, especially through the soundtrack of headphones, a moving motion picture, it all was a bit romanticized and sometimes it's nice when life is romanticized a bit. There was a sweet old Vietnamese man who sat in front of us. He seemed quite content with his life, it was refreshing to see, to witness “old man, drenched with blissful rain drops that...' I can't remember the rest of that poem. What else, it is tough to remember. My dad read his book and I read mine and we journeyed on, the next step.

When we arrived in HoChiMinh we decided to stay in a more economical place. As we were walking to find somewhere to stayI was approached by a guy trying to sell me his guesthouse called “My Home”. He led us in and on the 6th floor we found our new home. With Winnie the pooh and Mickey Mouse décor. But a nice family. We bought our plane tickets to Con Dao islands and then I wandered the streets for a bit alone. Wandering the streets “alone” in Asia. Ha! It still stuns me, astounds me, how many people there really are in this world, on this small block, I mean, wow. Wowsers.
We are now sitting at Highland Coffee at the street corner of District 1. The chairs are comfortable, we have a great view of the great big world out there as we sit in our air conditioned place my dad looks at golf magazines.
Balance. There is a picture of a coffee pot with that word, that word.
This place is nice, I find it strange that they only have golf magazines.

On the journey here yesterday my thoughts roamed to the day when I was told that Fede had died. I hate re-living that day but it seems to come to me, visit me, haunt me all too often. I miss that boy, my love, my life with him. As a couple, as Fede's wife, as la gringa, as amberita, as a married woman, as a person in a bilingual relationship, as a person who communicated with her husband in Spanish. As, as, as: a simile to something that no longer exists.

October 18, 5:18p.m.






I am now sitting at Con Dao Resort looking out at the ocean. They are islands about an hour plane ride from Vietnam. The islands belong to Vietnam and were once a penal colony during the war with France. It is nice to be away from the hustle of Ho Chi Minh though that hustle can also be a nice distraction, some entertainment. Sometimes silence, peace, quiet, “stillness” is terrifying. You only have yourself, your thoughts. Meditation scares me for this reason. Probably why I should do it.


When we arrived at the airport I looked for a place for us to stay and we got a deal at a resort for about $45 a night but it is nice because there is a pool and a private beach and well, it is nice.

When we got to the resort we wandered down the streets looking for a place to eat something. A long while later we ended up at a place that had a “Restaurant” sign so we went inside. We would be the only customers, so I did the universal food sign and he said yes, and immediately told us to sit down. Before we were given menus they put a tablecloth on the table, clean, but with wee holes all over it. Funny. Then we were given the menu that had the worst English I have seen yet and as long as a book with options like: crocdile,

after a while we were able to find something and I also ordered a soda with lemon and sugar which I was brought out a soda water, two lime wedges and a small bowl of sugar with a spoon. Of course we returned to the conversation that we always return to and he said: I am waiting for inspiration”. It is so easy for me to give advice to others and I said that right is the moment, right now is your inspiration, don't wait for someone else for something to inspire you or entertain you, rather, find it for yourself. Yeah, I suppose. Easier said than done. It was a good conversation, a bit of a wake up call I suppose. After our meal we wandered back to the hotel and I went out to jump in the water. It felt amazing, refreshing even though the water was quite shallow. Then I jumped in the hotel pool as I was surrounded by little kids. Yapping—dogs and kids are so similar—and then it started to rain.

I can still see the islands in the distance, they are lovely, peaceful. And the lights from the boats, speckled stars they are, all doing their own thing yet all able to see the other. Ah, speckled boats to just be on one, sitting there, with your thoughts, and only those. It is like a wee torture. I find it ironic that this was once a penal colony, torture, because sometimes, when you are forced to relax, to be in paradise, it feels torturous. Forced to confront your thoughts, your time, it is somewhat meditation, strange. The irony of it all.

I am trying to grasp some of the ideas that I have been reading in Conversations with God. There was an interesting one today which talked about the concept that we are masters.

But there was one interesting thing which I would like to remember:
The Laws are very simple.
1.Thought is creative.
2.Fear attracts like energy.
3.Love is all there is.

“Begin by being still. Quiet the outer world, so that the inner world might bring you sight. This in-sight is what you seek, yet you cannot have it while you are so deeply concerned with your outer reality.
“If I do not go within I go without”

Nice thoughts. I will try I suppose, do the best I can.


“Actions are words moving. Words are thoughts expressed. Thoughts are ideas formed. Ideas are energies come together. Energies are forces release. Forces are elements existent. Elements are particles of God, portions of All, the stuff of everything.”

October 20, 2010

Here on Con Dao island no one speaks English and anything you order on the menu they “don't have”. We spent the day lounging and just relaxing which was really hard for me. It was probably one of the hardest days yet on the trip. Yet, I got a lot of writing done, I read a lot, my ankle rested and I swam! It is funny how often, being in that moment, you feel like you aren't accomplishing anything when just BEING is accomplishing something, no expectations.

Luckily, in the afternoon we went rented a motorbike for 2 hours and drove around this island. About 12km away we visited a wee town where I stopped to buy water and apples. Then we drove all over, hoping to find the entrance to the park. The locals were very friendly, smiling and saying hello to us as we passed cows on the street, grazing away, locals building probably to make this a next getaway for travelers, and the local army training for combat or whatever army training people do. It was nice to be on a motorbike and just drive, I must admit. Then we came back to the hotel and jumped in the water.

Other observations:
Mr. Skinny, aka, friendly guy who doesnt' talk, just spends his time alone, suppose tha tis when we should stop judging. We are so quick to judge in others what we don't like about ourselves. I need to work on that.
-the hotel worker who couldn't pronounce “service”
-weird chicken egg things and eating pieces of pork for breakfast
-tea with sweetened condensed milk
-this beautiful veranda where we can sit and write and read or just stare off into the space of the ocean and other islands and anything
-the laugh of this little girl, Iliana
-ordering something and have no idea what you are going to get
-the workers telling you that they have something just because they have no idea what you are saying
-Water, shallow, very shallow water here at Con Dao resort
-

October 21, 2010

8:14a.m. On our last morning on Con Dao island. It is beautiful this morning as I look out on the horizon. There are rain clouds everywhere and I can hear the sound of some workers or something behind me. As I went to jump in this morning I saw a large crab scurrying on the beach. When he saw me he quickly ran into his hole. The water felt really good this morning. I was tired, another restless sleep with my dad snoring and my thoughts, my anxiety, my obsessions, my angers, my impatience even with sleeping. Yesterday was a fantastic day following one of the most difficult. I enjoyed the morning yesterday, got a lot of writing in, swam to the buoys twice and even did some reading. I was racing with time rather than letting it pull me. Then we rented a motorbike again and tried to find the national park The system here isn't as organized as the western world and I have come to realize that I expect too much. We found the park headquarters and after having to search for a woman to help us she explained a bit about the park, mostly guides and rangers needed. We decided to try and find a wee little hike of 20 minutes and just explore. Nothing was very well marked but after some searching we found a wee sign for Con duong beach and descended down to the beach and the “hike”. I took my time as my ankle limits me in everything. When we got to the bottom my dad was waiting for me and taking some pictures. I walked over to him and surprised him with some snacks: wee cookies and some apples. And we enjoyed our snack while looking out at the ocean and then a ranger came and charged us a fee. My dad was very upset even though it was only $1 each. I only had a 100,000 dong so he brought me back 50d and water. Then I was upset. We are so western, we expect too much. Really need to calm the fuck down. We wandered around some more and then went back to the bike where I finally decided to try driving one. I instantly loved it and wanted to keep doing it. It was nice to just drive with nowhere to go, felt good, especially as the sun was setting, there was cool breeze, no sun on my face, I was content.

I got back and jumped in the water and then I had a beer while my dad had a carrot juice

We chatted for a long time. When I paid he got teary eyed and told me how much I reminded him of mama, ah mama. How we miss you. How he misses you.

Anyways, it was a good conversation as something above kept throwing bitten off nuts on the ground, perhaps at us.

It is hard to think that the time is coming to an end and we will have to return to life, to reality, I hope that my dad will be o.k. I hope that I will be o.k.

Collected a couple of seashells this morning, one for my dad so that he remembers this trip and the beauty in the small things, perhaps I will try and do the same with the one I picked for myself. It will be hard to leave the beach this morning, but it is true, nothing is permanent, that is why you truly must just enjoy where you are, or at least BE where you are because it will change, it just will.

October 23, 6:37a.m.


From conversations with god:

It is very difficult to reverse the effects of negative thinking once they have taken physical form. Not impossible—but very difficult. It takes an act of extreme faith. It requires an extraordinary belief in the positive force of the universe—whether you call that God, Goddess, the Unmoved Mover, Prime Force, First Cause, or whatever. Heave have just such faith. It is a faith that crosses over into Absolute Knowing. They know that you are meant to be whole, complete, and perfect in this moment now. This knowingness is also a thought—a very powerful one. It as the power to move mountains—to say nothing of molecules in your body."



When we arrived back in Ho Chi Minh went to the park and I had a beer and my dad had a tropicana twister and we went and sat in the park for a moment to watch the locals play a strange game where they hit some sort of ball with their feet, it was kindof like badminton, footminton??? Then some students came over and wanted to chat with us to practice their English. I am so uptight, didn't want to, but I had some beer in me so I indulged them. One of them asked me to speak louder and I said: "No, i'm on vacation”. I am such a jerk. Then we got motorbikes and went down so that my dad could see the Bitexco Financial Towers, the tallest building in Vietnam that is still being built. The motorbike ride was great and after my dad admired the building we made our way to the Majestic Hotel for a sky view of the city. It was a whim decision and it was fantastic! Really beautiful, I ordered a mojito and my dad a virgin pina colada and we enjoyed being UP in so many ways. Over the city, different views, beautiful lights and just being a bit happier, together. Then we wandered down and into this cool vintagey, antiquey shop where we discovered some fans! And other cool little trinkets and gifts. We were finally hungry as it started to rain and because of it we ran into the closest restaurant, “Pomodoro”, which ended up being a very fancy and pricey Italian restaurant. We spent 533,000 dong (half a million dong!) on the meal but it was worth it. Good pizza, good salads, good wine, good conversation—it was a great day.

The next day we went to the CuChi tunnels. The tunnels were interesting but shocking at how horrible war can be.
On the way back I let my dad have the window and I told him that we were going to get massages when we got back. He got a massage which was shorter than it should have been and I got a food scraping thing which was also shorter than it should have been. She asked me for a tip and I refused and didn't want to argue. Then, starving, we at probably the best meal yet. Spinach in oyster sauce, tom yum soup and spring rolls. We wandered back to the hotel and rested and then wandered out for our last night. Basically, we walked a lot, had a beer and 7 layer nachos” at a bier garden and then got last and walked all over town and even into a escort service street, it was strange. We finally took a taxi back to our hotel area and got frozen yogurt at some very Asian yogurt shop and did our last shoppping. We were both exhausted This morning we had a nice breakfast together before heading to the airport and our separate ways. I really do believe that my dad and I are going to be o.k.
Chau Vietnam, it was a great aventura.

Dates (are also numbers)

September 18, 2010 was Yoga Mala for Peace in Chiang Mai, Thailand, held at The Spa Resort in a wee village 20 minutes from Chiang Mai. The Yoga Mala for Peace is a project with the purpose of "uniting the global yoga community from every continent through collective practices based upon the sacred cycle of 108 on September 18th or 19th, the Fall Equinox as the yoga world's offering to further the UN International Peace Day." Therefore, within these two days, at different places all around the world, people got together to raise awareness for peace.

I am not a yogi, don't even practice it as much as I would like, but I attended the event because I hurt my ankle and couldn't climb that day. The first session I attended was on Vipassana meditation and a Thai Buddhist monk talked and led the group in meditation. He was a simple and wise man who talked of the need to exercise our mind just as much as our body. He said that our minds are like monkeys, and it isn't that we need to tame the monkey, thereby suppressing its natural way of being, but rather, direct the monkeys energy into a productive direction.

I received an email later that day from my friend Gabriel who is a mountain guide and was one of Fede's best friends. On this same day, September 18, 2010 Gabriel and the mountaineering community gathered in Ashford, Washington to plant a tree for Federico Campanini,who lost his life tragically a year and a half ago. The tree was planted in Fede's memory, but is also an act of peace, directing the energy of loss, of grief, in a productive way.


What I find beautiful about both of these events on this date is that it was a day to celebrate life in times where tragedy has occurred and continues to.
Life and death continue as well, on this date, on every date.

Plant a tree, a new life, and as a reminder of someone who has left us. I suppose the roots always remain, even though its leaves must, seasonally, continue blow away. But new ones will come back, its a cycle.

Sacred cycle of 108

I had never heard about the "sacred cycle of 108" before September 18th. the Thai monk briefly explained this during the session. The cycle is associated with meditation and the beads often used for the practice of meditation. "Mala" is an eastern rosary with 108 beads. The mala is used both in Hinduism and Buddhism for counting mantras, chants or prayers. When one is meditating they are supposed to count the beads to help the individual focus on being present during meditation.
108 beads...

108--Fede and I were married on October 8. (10-8)

108 has been a sacred number for a long time, and this number is explained in many different ways. Traditionally, Buddhists have 108 beads, representing the 108 human passions that Avalokiteshvara assumed when telling the beads. This number ensures a repetition of a sacred mantra at least 100 times, the extra beads allowing for any omissions made through absentmindedness in counting or for loss or breakage of beads.

There are 8 extras, 8. It is all so "fitting" when sometimes you don't want it to be. I keep seeing patterns, in numbers, in dates, in moments.

When I saw the monk holding the meditation beads I remembered the day that I went to Doi Suthep and I "accidentally" bought meditation beads. I never thought to count them and I have yet to use the beads to practice meditation, but now I know that it is a possibility, there when and if I need it.

Today (insert the date that you read this) is not just an awareness of peace, it's also an awareness of the cycle, peace and suffering, life and death, a number with a pattern but sometimes just a random number.
What was I doing last September 18, or the one before that? Before it was just a date, now this day will never be the same. But, then again, I suppose that no day will ever be the same. No number will ever be the same.

But, there are 8 extra beads out there waiting to be used when needed.

For more details about Fede's tree please go to www.elfede.org (a non-profit foundation who seeks to take a tragedy and use it to make changes in a productive way).

Mae Sariang

August 12 was the Queen's Birthday and also Mother's Day in Thailand. Therefore, most schools were canceled on Thursday and Friday. My friends Hilary andRobyn, and I decided to take advantage of the four day weekend and get out of town. We chose a small town about 5 hours from Chiang Mai called Mae Sariang.a trip. Originally we had planned on taking an 8:00a.m bus to Mae Sariang. However, the night before we went to a restaurant for a drink and some food. There was a also a major rainstorm that night in Chiang Mai. The streets were flooded, and so it was impossible to drive (or ride my bike). Since we weren't able to leave the restaurant, we did the one thing you can do in a rainstorm; we had another round of mojitos, then another round, and then some beer; and then we woke up at 10a.m., but didn't get the bus until 1:30p.m.

My head hurt but Robyn seemed to find everything funny and adventurous so I just sucked it all in as well and enjoyed the ride. It was my first bus ride in Thailand and it was a local one. We were packed into a three person seat. The chair of the person in front of me was broken and this woman also seemed to be the only person on the bus who had long hair that wasn't pulled back. I spent the first hour dodging black hairs trying to enter my mouth. Finally, after having almost hit the individual a few times, I hand gestured the "can you please put your hair back" phrase since I don't speak Thai and she didn't speak English. After that was solved everything was fine and we chatted about whatever and fell into bouts of needed sleep.

We decided to go to Mae Sariang because there are three national parks that surround it and we thought that it would be a good base to see at least two of them. When we arrived, we realized that we were traveling, we didn't have to be anywhere, and no one was expecting us.

I was so excited to be somewhere different, truly traveling in a foreign country instead of just working in one. We decided to head “downtown” and find a guesthouse. The Riverside guesthouse had been recommended to us. As we walked downtown we saw a sign: Riverside Guesthouse: 240m. We continued on excited to have been so lucky to have found it so easily. We walked on, well past 240m and saw no signs, so we turned around and walked down another street thinking maybe we had missed something. We saw a lot of dogs that scared all of us, but we continued walking after a local told us in broken English, "Yes, Riverside, cross the river, and then right". So, we proceeded to cross the river but saw no guesthouse. We stopped at a restaurant and asked another woman. Again, in broken English, she also said "Yes, Riverside, cross the bridge, turn left at temple". So, we re-crossed the bridge, got to the temple, saw nothing but turned left anyways. We just kept walking as it started to rain, and finally stumbled upon it, but it was full. No worries, we are traveling, we are flexible, we don't care. We stayed in another place, beautiful, made of a rich brown wood, it was too expensive for a teachers salary but we decided to change the next night. We were tired and hungry, so threw our stuff down in our rooms and went to find food. We found the Sawadee Restaurant. Great ambiance, tables with small cushioned seats to sit on, definitely a place for lounging, very thai-esque. So we sat, and ordered food, Hilary and Robyn shared a beer, andI drank lots of soda water for my rescaca (hangover in Spanish, don' t know it yet in Thai). We decided to rent bicycles in the morning and biked to Salawin National Park which is 7km from Mae Sariang.

That night, none of us slept very well as there was a German family yelling or beating their children beside us, and a Danish youth group who returned from a night out at 3a.m. and all the other sides of us. They giggled and giggled some more like those stupid teenage girls that we once were and that we all work with. The next day the cold that I had been fighting moved to a painful cough but after soda water, and the continental breakfast (two eggs, toast with butter and jam, ham, bacon, juice and coffee for 100baht) and an extra coffee at Sawadee I was fine. Of course, the Danish youth group also decided to eat breakfast at this restaurant. We glared at them, especially when one girl asked us for some of her milk and we said, well, we need it. After a leisurely breakfast ended for us, around 10a.m. We decided to inquire about bicycle rental. One of the guesthouses across the way rented beach cruisers for 50baht for the day. We rented three and then checked out of our expensive guesthouse and moved into the original Riverside guesthouse that now had space (300 for a room, versus 300baht per person). Raincoats, water and hiking shoes in hand we jumped on our bikes and began the journey to Salawin. Of course, the bikes were simple, single speed and old but they had baskets and we were three girls so we enjoyed it. The ride was beautiful through small villages with bright yellow, red, and white flowers lining the journey. We waved when we saw people. When hills popped up we would get off the bikes and push upwards. It was a bit rigorous but we were all happy to be outside.

It took us about an hour to reach the entrance to the park. We hadn't planned the day very well when we realized that the reason the park station was closed was because it was also a government holiday. We laughed, I filled up my water bottle and we continued on to the park. After a lot of uphill we finally arrived. At the park, no one spoke English and I don't speak thai. We went to the park headquarters and locked our bikes and went to try and find some information about hikes. Not many hikes were available except for a wee jaunt of a nature trail of 2km. A woman that worked there and that spoke English (they had to go and find her) came over and was super giggly as she proceeded to explain the hike to us in between giggling and a request that we take a picture with her. (lots of giggling girls in these parts).

She was very surprised by our desire to hike: (“You want to hike the trail?--oh!--just imagine a little girl saying this, very silly like) and escorted us to its beginning. She kept laughing nervously, very strange. We started on the nature trail hike with 15 stations. There was a pamphlet that accompanied it. The trail was beautiful, simple and the stations made us laugh as they were simple and quite uninteresting attractions (a small ant hill, a bird, a leaf, a mushroom, etc) but simple and beautiful in their own right. The most exciting part of the day was when we stumbled upon a spider's web in the middle of the trail with a big spider in its web. I ran under it, first, and then the other two covered themselves in Robyn's jacket and ran under together.

After that we headed back to Mae Sariang, much easier going back, and stopped at the restaurant where we had asked questions the night before for lunch. We drank two soda waters each each and ordered som tom to share ('mae phet'--the only thai phrase I know which means, "not spicy") and shrimp and kale salads. The woman who took our order also made our food. About five minutes after she took her order we saw her get on her motorbike. We knew that she had to go and buy a missing ingredient. It was common here, quite charming actually. I was excited to eat something and when we finally got our food it was so spicy that all of our lips were burning and I was truly annoyed that she hadn't listened to my simple request of 'mae phet', many times. She never smiled or giggled either, maybe that was the missing ingredient, jerk.

After, we proceeded back to the guesthouse to rest for a moment before the bike trek to the golden Buddha on the mountain. We stopped at our new favorite local (Sawadeeka Restaurant) for iced coffees and a fruit plate (mango, banana, watermelon and pineapple). Before we left we asked Beng (the owner of Sawadee restaurant) to write the name of the temple just in case we got lost, we were off. It was a beautiful journey until we reached a fork in the road. I took the piece of paper that Beng gave me and showed it to a woman who owned a local on the corner. She pointed in the correct direction. I said "o.k!, so they all said back to me, smiling, “o.k.”.

When we entered the temple we realized how steep it was to get to the top and decided to chain the bikes and walk the last part. We arrived about 10 minutes later, with sweat-drenched backs and faces. We were quickly calmed and cooled by the chanting of monks on both sides of us. Silently, we continued to the golden Buddha at the top of the hill. He was there, sitting there, left hand placed over the right one, with a look of content on his face. We chatted a bit about the placement of feet; your feet are not ever supposed to directly be pointed at the Buddha and then we saw various Buddha statues in a small hall. We walked over and saw a small frog, jumping. Being in Buddhist thought I said, “Maybe its Fede coming to say hello”. It was lighthearted and comforting and sad all at the same millisecond. Hilary chatted with some monks while Robyn and I waited under a small corridor and I listened as Robyn talked. Sometimes its nice just to listen, as people chat away, just listen to their whatevers.

We walked back down and rode back. Ah, I remember that ride back. I remember crossing this week bridge and looking back at the Buddha shimmering with the light of the tired sun going down to sleep, and then the color of the water on the wee river, calm, somber, ready for a nights rest. And me, content to be in the moment, with the Buddha behind me and the uneven skies with different colored clouds in every direction, in front of me.

Later that evening Hilary asked us what was our favorite part of the day was and I referred to that moment when we returned from the Buddhist statue, the temperature was perfect, I was gliding on my bike, no rush and completely content with the moment I was in, not wanting to be anywhere else, just where I was for that moment. (I a such a good Buddhist at times!!)

We ate and drank beer that night and talked about dreams, and love and politics and went to bed, exhausted. I had dreams again, like I always do lately, of Fede and my mom, and I wake up sad, and alone, but I wake up. To the rain, to another day, to one more continental breakfast. We decided to take a 'song taew' (a pickup truck that takes you where you want to go, along with others who want to go there or other places) to Mae Som Tab and then take a boat tour down the Salawin River to a small village with a view of the Burmese border. We got ready, walked around to find the 'song taew', said our farewells to Robyn and tried to find a Song Taew. The man wasn't there but we were told at 11a.m. To be here 70baht for the ride there. As we waited until 11:30 for the song taew to leave Hilary and I read about Buddhist teachings and questioned everything and chatted about all of it on our journey to MaeSom Tab. When we arrived we discovered that the boat ride would cost 1300 baht. Quite expensive, blood sugar low, no thai, no English, frustration. We did it anyway.

Beautiful ride, peaceful, roots coming out, children playing, a coolish wind, 45 min. later we arrived at a village. We walked through it looking at the children dressed in uniform working in the rice fields, chickens and their babies, pigs and their babies, village people and us, and a Baptist church.

When we returned we noticed all of the trees along the river. All of their roots were showing, so vulnerable, yet so beautiful, exposed. sometimes you gotta let your roots show, right?

When we arrived we were hungry and bought a variety of snacks for 25 baht while waiting for the song taew when we were offered a ride back with the border patrol. We drove back, happy, content, and arrived and found out it was a free journey, no charge! And it was in a four wheel truck and everything! We regretted not knowing Thai and therefore having a conversation with the two Thai women drinking beer who drove us. I will learn Thai, I will learn Thai.

We are back in Chiang Mai, it was a great journey, still need to learn Thai.

Another wooden necklace

Have you ever noticed that as soon as you hear about something, be it a new piece of information or you see something that you haven't ever seen before, suddenly you start "seeing" it more often? Well, if you haven't noticed it now you will...

With that awareness comes patterns--I see patterns--or perhaps I am creating patterns with my awareness. They become the themes in our lives, which patterns essentially are. I suppose it makes it all seem more purposeful, not just chaotic and random.


I am ready for reflection on these (in)signifcant objetos. Perhaps spirituality, in part, is finding meaning but in more of a universal manner, in order to apply it to your reality, but know that it is all universal. Buddhism explains this idea in the four noble truths, perhaps other religions have a different way of putting it, but it's simple: Life is suffering. Not for everyone at every moment, but for someone it inevitably is. Life's theme, it's what all artists seek to explain, point out, make a little pattern--Connect the dots, connect the beads...
and then let go of the object.

The Patagonia tree necklace, Fede's Patagonia tree necklace, the Hindu bead necklace and now this one...
All of the necklaces are wooden, taken from a tree, and then carved to each one's uniqueness. A necklace is made to go around the neck of one individual. It can be taken off, it can be shared, passed on, but only one person can ever wear it at any one time. I suppose it confirms the notion that there can be transcendence in a small object, like a necklace, that can be passed from one person to another. Yet, ultimately, we are all alone.

It is August 7th, one day before another 8th. I hiked to the top of Doi Suthep, the highest mountain in Chiang Mai that is also the location for one of the larger temples in Chiang Mai. My friends Pui and Benz and I took a song taow (a covered pickup truck with built in benches for passengers to jump in and ride to their sought out destination) behind Chiang Mai Zoo where we started our trek. Of course it rained and we walked, and it rained some more, it was great to hike completely soaked.

Benz is married (she has been with her farang husband for 7 years, married for 4--just like Fede and I, well, would have been; Pui is going to get married, also to a farang. I have never been surrounded by so many farang relationships, or perhaps, like I mentioned, I am acutely aware because I was also one of them and now, abruptly, I am not.

During the hike Pui would talk about how Josh (her fiancee) always has to wait for her when they hike--so many parallels in our relationships, in all relationships. Pui and Josh are companions, in adventure, in life, just like Fede and I were.

I was several steps ahead of them for most of the hike. I tried not to stop because when you stop in the forests of Thailand, especially during the rainy season, the mosquitoes attack you. However, I felt obliged to stop and wait for my short-legged Thai friends and I finished the day with red-dotted legs, but with also a lot of good moments. I'll connect the dots later...

During the hike we saw beautifully strange mushrooms on the way, mostly smooth white ones. We did come across a rare mushroom, bright red, that resembled a tomato. It was rare, but alone, no other around like it. Hmm. I wonder if it feels lonely, solitary in its rareness.



When we finally reached the top I was surprised to find a lot of shops and even more tourists. I had expected to arrive at the top of this mountain and find what I usually find at the summit of a mountain: silence, perhaps some wind, and a beautiful view below. But, this is Thailand, and the altitude of Doi Suthep is approx. 5500 feet. Therefore, most people take a song taew or motor bike to the top, thereby explaining why we didn't see anyone else on the trail. It's o.k., no expectations.

The ladies didn't want to make the last trek of steps to the very top, understandably, they are Thai and have done it probably more times than they would have liked. So, they waited below and I walked up, stopping to buy a soda water on the way. After having walked the last 20 steps I paid my 30 baht farang entrance fee and entered. I was one of many at this temple, yet alone, able to go in whichever direction I wanted so I wandered towards "the scenic viewpoint from the temple".

Ironically, at this major Buddhist temple, I was thinking about other moments, not the one I was in. My friend Abi's birthday party is tonight. We have to dress up in 1978 attire (the year she was born) and I didn't have a costume yet. I saw some beaded necklaces that looked 70's-esque. Distracted by the party and other moments I didn't recognize that the beads were meditation beads or that a monk was the one selling them. I was at a temple, it all just seemed normal. And I was more concerned with the aesthetic value of the beads for my costume.

I asked the monk the price of these "plain" beads that would hang long around my neck. "99 baht", he said. So, I chose a color (a simple plain wood, painted an amber color). I took the beads from the rack and placed them on the counter to purchase. The monk said that he wanted to bless them first. He started chanting and I had no idea what he was saying, but it was beautiful and peaceful and I closed my newly moist eyes and listened, silently thanking him and whatever else led me to this moment, this moment of solace.

I always find moments of solace when I go to the mountains. And even though I didn't think that I was going to find it when I reached the top of Doi Suthep, I did, just in a different, unexpected way.

When he finished the blessing the monk placed the beads in my hand, as I couldn't directly take them from them. According to Buddhist tradition a male monk and a female can never touch, not even if they are just touching the same object and their flesh never touches. An object can be passed on but the individual must accept it, and take it on, alone. He placed them in my cupped hands and he saw my eyes, my teary eyes, I know he did, and he warmly smiled. I took them and placed them in my backpack that was lying on the ground next to me. I glanced over at him before I left and he looked kindly at me again, as if he knew something, as if he knew that he had helped. He grinned at me with his eyes and I walked on.

There were a few other stalls selling jewelry but I didn't stop, I just kept walking slowly, trying to be present in the moment that I was in. I saw another temple, quite small, nearby. I abruptly stopped when I noticed something I had never seen before. There are always two dragons, one on each side, at the entrance of every temple. They are there to help protect beings from evil spirits. Yet this temple had something quite distinct. Underneath the dragons were these three letters: M O M.




My heart skipped, I don't know if it was sadness or comfort I felt at those three letters. I was honestly stunned. So, I stopped and got out my camera and took a picture, I didn't know what else to do. I don't know if I would've even noticed it if I would have been here before November 2, 2009, the day my mom passed away.

There are dragons at the entrance to every temple to help keep away evil spirits--just like a mother does for her children. Perhaps I had forgotten that my mother did this, ultimately, for me.
I have yet to see another dragon at another temple with these letters.

I put my hand close to my heart and kept walking. I finally got to the viewpoint. I looked on at a picture perfect view of Chiang Mai below with crisp white clouds in the sky. I appreciated the view and took that automatic picture that one takes from viewpoints and then re-applied my sunscreen on my face. Behind me I could hear bells ringing, they were beautiful, the sound resonated in my heart. I took a picture of the bells, and proceeded, almost in automatic mode, to the temple entrance. I had a "I should go see this temple" feeling, and I was ashamed of the should feeling but I took off my shoes anyway and entered. It was alright, there were too many people, too many people traveling together, and too much gold, too many golden objects--the reflections on my eyes were strong and I felt weary. So, I left "the summit" and I journeyed back down to find my friends and leave.

As we made our trek back down I thought about why I originally decided to come to Thailand, to Asia. The main reason was, of course, for spiritual reasons. To try and find the connection between the moments and the objects that have accompanied those moments in the past 18 months. At this moment I am residing in a country that is 90% Buddhist, and in Buddhism the mindset is now, be in the now, be in the present, and it is the one thing that I am unable to do.


I finished the trek to Doi Suthep with red-dotted legs and now, right now, at this moment, I am connecting the dots between the "bites", I am trying to just let the beads hang from my neck for a moment, and then let them transcend to another moment, let the other necklaces just be as well. Well, I am trying, at least, trying to let the objects go. And that is something (in)significant.